Finished!

I have just finished my last Monkey chow meal. It is a great feeling to be over, can't wait for the pie this afternoon.

My sponsors have happily paid up, when I say happily I mean promptly but I was happy enough for all of us. I had ordered a family guy angry monkey t-shirt for the occasion but it did not come in time.

The monkey chow diet is completely useless for loosing weight. I would say if you have the will power to only eat monkey chow you probably have the will power to follow a balanced eating plan. I am not sure if the initial weight loss was due to lack of water or not eating enough but it was clearly just a blip. I think I managed to consume 11-12 pounds from the 20 pound bag. Not much under the 2 pound a day target I set myself.

Trickery.
My loss has been the gain of my colleagues to the order of:
1 tray of donuts
3 large pizzas
1 box of cinnamon swirl iced buns
I wish Ed had not given up so early, this list should have been much longer.

Advice to monkey chow dieters.
Make sure the terms of the bet allow you to soak the monkey chow in some kind of flavoured beverage. The instructions on the zupreem website recommend soaking monkey chow in fruit juice if your primate is refusing it's food so it is within the spirit of "eat what monkeys eat". I decided to use flavoured tea as we had already prohibited calorific drinks from my diet. Doing this with dry, unsoaked kibble is probably possible but would be very, very difficult. Flavour is very important as there are some subtle but very disgusting aftertastes that tend to become overpowering with nothing to distract you. I did not have any problems in the bathroom department but "angry man" did. If you do give it a go please let me know.

Donations.
I will be donating the remaining monkey chow to http://www.monkeyhelpers.org/ they train capuchin monkeys to help people with mobility problems.
Anwar will be donating $100 to the Greater Boston food bank http://www.gbfb.org
There is more which I will edit in once I have the details

A big thank you to everyone who tried to help or hinder, it all came together to make the experiment a lot of fun.

Day 7 summary

Mood - happy
Condition - sore
Stools - Still keeping that to myself
Weight - no change - cumulative total 1 pound lost

So here I am, 7 days down, 1 meal to go. I need to pay attention and not accidentally eat something else, this nearly happened last night when Val had a snack. I had the impulse to steal a chip from her plate but caught myself in time.

Day 6 summary

Mood - grumpy
condition - decrepid
Stools - ...
Weight - no change - cumulative total 1 pound lost

Thw whole monkey chow thing is still going fine. With only 1 day left I am as good as done. My problem is my back. Somehow I threw it out yesterday. It felt a bit odd so I stopped working and did my stretching exercises. When I got up I could barely walk, with careful planning and a lot of wincing I made it up to bed and there I stayed. Today it is still bad but I can move.

Val assured me that if she was bringing food up to bed for me it would not be monkey chow. I have to stay healthy to finish the bet...

Day 5 summary

Mood - busy
Condition - fine
Stools - ...
Weight - 1 pound gained, cumulative total 1 pound lost.

Val and I have been doing house work all morning and I think it will be the only thing we do all weekend. I have been installing speakers in the ceiling of the basement, (I mean hiding the gaping holes in the ceiling). Val is patching all the dings in the dry wall, sanding and painting. We made a list last night of everything we need to do to get the house ready for the appraisal, surprisingly it only filled one side of letter. We stand a good chance of getting most of it done. It will be great not to have it hanging over us this summer.

On the weight gain, I decided not to work out last night so I had more energy for the physical work this weekend. I don't think this explains the gain though. There is a base level of hunger that only goes for an hour after eating. Perhaps the hunger is for variety rather than quantity. Only 2 days to go and I can find out!

Day 4 summary

Mood - happy
Condition - slightly hungry
Stools - No comment
Weight loss - no change - cumulative total 2 pounds lost.


Everything is going along smoothly. Hunger comes and goes, it still tastes foul. I am not getting cravings. Ed is not at work today so I think I should be safe from any significant temptations. I managed to get to bed before 12 last night after a 1 hour workout and shower. I did spoil it by reading for an hour but I find that improves my quality of sleep anyway.


I have a feeling the weekend is going to be miserable. I have developed a nice routine involving eggs, cheese and ham that is going to be a shame to miss out on. The house is being inspected on Tuesday, so I will have to spend both days finishing up odd jobs. At least it will keep my mind off the hunger.

Showered with gifts

I came to my cube after lunch to find 3 monkeys hanging out. I think they were after my monkey chow but could not get into the container.

I also found a box of cinnamon iced rolls. The monkeys did not get into those either.

My colleagues are doing very well out of this, donuts, pizza, buns, still holding out for the caviar though.

I know what my first non-monkey chow food will be. By shear coincidence it is pi day (3/14) on Monday, so after my last contractual monkey meal I get to enjoy pies and ice cream. Happy times...

Day 3 summary

Mood - happy
Condition - thirsty
Stools - No comment
Weight loss - put a pound back on - cumulative total 2 pounds lost.

I am feeling great, I seem to have broken Ed's spirit. I hope it is just an act and there are more surprises in store, my colleagues must appreciate his tempting treats.

It is just great knowing that sometime today I will be half way through, I have always enjoyed the process of counting down towards a goal. I know I can eat enough monkey chow to maintain weight, it is not going to make me ill. I am no more bored than on the first day.

One piece of advice for the next idiot to try this - liquids. Drink a lot, humans are not used to exclusively dehydrated diets, once consumed the pellets need moisture and they have to take it from inside your stomach. I woke up this morning more thirsty than I can remember ever being.

The evil one ramps up his efforts...

Yesterday was the donuts, today Ed was nice enough to buy everyone pizza for lunch. All 3 large pizzas had some kind of meat topping and they smelt awesome.

It was not hard to resist, I can eat pizza anytime I want (after Monday lunchtime) the smell was even a nice condiment for my lightly soaked aggregated food product. It is hard to think of something with a similar aromatic punch to pizza for tomorrow. If you have any suggestions please post a comment!

I am very afraid that Ed will find my week spot. If he was to bring in special reserve caviar, I would be at his mercy -
http://www.petrossian.com/caviar-1-petrossian-special-reserve-alverta-caviar-596.html

Day 2 Summary

Mood - hungry
Condition - hungry
Stools - I am not that hungry
Weight lost - additional pound, bringing total to 3.

Still don't have the balance right, I need to eat more but I don't want to. I am probably only consuming half of my 2 pound target each day.

Last night I was sure I smelt like monkey chow, Val was adamant my breath smelt like it. I got the company of her feet on the couch... which of course don't smell at all. I am incredibly tired but that is probably because I played Dragon Age until 1:30 then struggled to sleep because I was flinging fireballs at monkeys.

In short, I am my own worst enemy (Ed might disagree).

Not everyone is impressed

My dear long suffering girlfriend posted the following on facebook:


Phil accepted a bet to eat ONLY monkey food (like dog kibble made for primates) all week. Boys/men are foolish... Also, a note to Phil's colleages [sic] who are in on the bet: you are just as foolish as he is. As if having a new job wasn't stressful enough! Now I have to worry about him getting being ill from eating monkey food!

After seeing how well I got through the first day I think she has relaxed a little, she even tried one herself.

Lunch 2

Soaking the pellets before consumption helps a lot. It needs to be just right though, too little and they retain the tooth smashing hardness, too long and the texture becomes slimy.

The online guidance is for a primate to eat 3% of their body mass per day. A human is supposed to need a third of that, 2 pounds is a lot to eat (by eat I mean force down).

No wonder the primates in the zoo seem so agitated.

Requests for shirtless before and after shots are still being ignored, pictures of a pasty guy trying to hold in his stomach help no-body.

Ed kindly supplied donuts to my 10am meeting. I am sure this is only stage 1 of his dastardly plan to break me. I think I will start keeping a running total of how much has been spent trying tempt me into giving up.

Day 1 summary

Mood - optimistic
Condition - fine
Stools - I am sure you are not interested in that, Monkey chow or not...
Weight - 2 pounds lost.

I did a lot better last night, drinking a fruit flavoured tea while eating the monkey chow helps a lot. I managed to work out for a hour, I wanted to do more but I had been playing Dragon Age:Origins too long and it was late.

It is hard to describe my feelings towards the next week, there is no way to know how much I will grow to hate the taste and sensation of eating the pellets. Also, I do not know how far my colleagues will go to break my resolve.

Evening

I probably managed another 1/2 pound for dinner. Still no problems keeping it down, the issue is more motivating myself to eat them.

I'll try and eat some more later before my workout.

Dinner

My stomach is really looking forwards to going home for dinner. I don't think it has realized what I will be feeding it.

I have consumed less than 1/2 pound today. Research on the internet suggests I should be having 2 pounds a day. I am going to be one hungry monkey...

First impressions

Lunch was interesting, usually there is up to 10 of us fitting round a lunch table. Today we had to spill onto a second, maybe 20 people. Expectations were high.

They are incredibly hard, initially it was like a mixture between dried bread and unsweetened breakfast cereal. Even the first bit needed to be washed down with water. After eating 10 it became very arduous, I probably ate a total of 20 before I decided to stop. This food is clearly not flavoured, the ingredients are there to provide nutrition... nothing more.

There was no gagging, just a faint repulsion. This is going to be a long hard week...

Final moments of freedom

Unusually but understandably I had a big breakfast this morning, 2 egg, ham and cheese sandwiches. I also loaded and turned on the dishwasher, very out of character...

The monkey chow is in a bag next to me, 1 pound to be exact. I can feel its presence. There is an air of anticipation in the office, some people ask about it, some people just smile.

In 20 minutes I get the first taste of the only thing I will taste for the next week.

Day -1 or should it be "Day 0" well the day before anyway

Don't really feel that nervous. The bag is in my kitchen but I won't be tasting it until lunchtime tomorrow.

Everyone has a different reaction, here are some examples:
"Are you stupid?" - probably but that has nothing to do with this...
"You could die!" - Indeed but nothing is worth doing unless there is some risk involved.
"How will you cope?" - With grim determination, the path to true enlightenment is never easy.
"You don't know what is in it" - Enjoy that McSlurry...
"What they are paying you to eat monkey food... I would do it for free!" - Exactly.

Yes a group of friends are paying me to eat Monkey food (From here on referred to as Monkey Chow) exclusively for a week. We are not talking about fruit, veg and some insects thrown in for protein (interesting challenge...) but primate kibble. It contains all the essential nutrients for a healthy happy monkey and luxuriant knuckle hair.

This has been done before www.angryman.ca/monkey.html and it will definitely be done again but never by me.